


Blue & Grey

by dontbecruelx



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ash Lynx Lives, Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Ash just wants Eiji to be happy, Bottom Okumura Eiji, Drug Use, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Fake Character Death, First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff and Angst, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, Photographer Okumura Eiji, Pining Ash Lynx, Protective Ash Lynx, References to Depression, Reunion Sex, Reunions, Self-Harm, Song: Blue & Grey (BTS), Top Ash Lynx
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:40:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28599357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontbecruelx/pseuds/dontbecruelx
Summary: Ash thought it was for the best.He was ready to let go. He was ready to let Eiji be free. Like the beautiful flying bird he’d always been. Ash had kept him trapped for too long, and it was time for the beautiful dove to be let out of his cage. To live his life. Away from the murder. Away from the abuse. Away from the horror Ash and the curse that seemed to follow him had put onto the boy he’d fallen in love with.He sucked in a breath. He was ready to let go, wasn’t he? He’d danced with death one too many times, and Lao had made sure of it, got him in just the right place. He was going.He was ready to say Sayonara to it all.He smiled at the thought.Then a familiar voice was behind him.“Ash?”He could hardly open his eyes. But he knew who it was.“Blanca.” His voice was so raspy.Maybe my lungs are filling with blood… That would be nice. I can’t breathe.My soul is always with you.“I need you to do something for me.” Was the last thing Ash said before he fell unconscious.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 56
Kudos: 147





	1. Live

**Author's Note:**

> Soooooo, I'm back on my Banana Fish bullshit!
> 
> Jade gave me this idea, and she's never even watched or read Banana Fish, so thanks to her, I have a new multichap planned out. It's gonna be a hard road, but they will be together in the end.

Ash didn’t want to do it. He really didn’t. He didn’t want to leave him. 

But he wasn’t alone, was he?

He had Shunichi, he had Max, he had Blanca and Sing, and even Yut-Lung had become quite attached to him. He knew it was the right thing to do as he lay dying in the library. 

He’d sat there, resting his head on the table, bleeding, reading the letter over and over. 

_ My soul is always with you.  _

He was about to let go. He could feel himself slipping and slipping. Getting more and more lightheaded. Blood trickling down and pooling beneath him. 

It was okay, though. He was ready to let go. He was ready to let Eiji be free. Like the beautiful flying bird he’d always been. Ash had kept him trapped for too long, and it was time for the beautiful dove to be let out of his cage. To live his life. Away from the murder. Away from the abuse. Away from the horror Ash and the curse that seemed to follow him had put onto the boy he’d fallen in love with. 

He sucked in a breath. He was ready to let go, wasn’t he? He’d danced with death one too many times, and Lao had made sure of it, got him in just the right place. 

He was going. 

He was ready to say Sayonara to it all. 

He smiled at the thought. 

Then a familiar voice was behind him. 

“Ash?”

He could hardly open his eyes. But he knew who it was.

“Blanca.” His voice was so raspy. 

_ Maybe my lungs are filling with blood… That would be nice. I can’t breathe. _

_ My soul is always with you.  _

“I need you to do something for me.” Was the last thing Ash said before he fell unconscious. 

He didn’t want Eiji to be involved anymore. No matter how much he tried to escape it, his past had always followed him wherever he went. No matter how hard he tried, no matter what he did, no matter how hard he pushed, it always caught up with him. 

He wasn’t Aslan Callenreese. 

He was Ash Lynx. 

That was what he’d convinced himself, anyway. 

Blanca knew exactly what he meant before his eyes closed, and he fell into a coma for days. 

As far as Eiji knew, Ash Lynx was dead. 

And that was partially true. 

When Ash woke up to Max, Sing, Blanca and even Yut-Lung at his bedside, he made them all swear. 

Swear they’d never breathe a word of it to Eiji. He was already back in Japan. If Shunichi didn’t know… It would be fine. The rest of them would follow Ash’s orders to the end. Ash was sure if he told Shunichi he would crack. He would break and end up telling him. Because that was just who he was. An honest man. 

The rest of them, however...

“I’ll kill you all if you tell him.” He growled, still pale, eyes sunken in. 

“But Ash…” Max pleaded. 

He tried to sit forward, but he felt so weak. “Don’t. I’ll fucking kill you.” 

_ It’s for the best.  _

“He’ll die!” Sing shouted. 

“No.” Ash smiled. “He’ll live a peaceful life without me.” 

And Ash was right. He went to Japan to watch him once he had healed. He couldn’t help it. He wanted to stay away. Blanca said he would take care of it. Sing was with him. But he wanted to see him. And they trained him well enough that he could do it without getting caught. He caught glimpses of him over the years. 

It took a while, but with Sing by his side, Eiji started to smile again. 

“You should go for it with him.” Ash said to Sing over the phone. 

“You know you don’t mean that.” Sing sighed into the receiver. 

_ I don’t…  _

“You look good together.” He said before he hung up. 

It hurt like hell, of course it did. But it was the right thing to do. He would fly back and forth between Japan and other islands he’d always wanted to visit with Blanca. He helped him keep his mind off of things. They’d read books under the sun in the Caribbean. But he never stopped thinking about him. And soon enough he was on a plane to Tokyo again. Of course he trusted Sing and Shunichi, but Ash and Blanca were different. They could watch him like no one else could. Make sure he was always okay. Wire Sing money to help Eiji without him knowing. 

He thought it would be okay. He thought Eiji would move on and be happy in Japan. 

But when Ash came to the beautiful country that Eiji had always wanted to show him, he couldn’t help but feel that deep ache inside his chest. He wanted to touch him. To hug him. But he knew it was wrong. 

_ It’s better this way.  _

He kept telling himself that, over and over and over. For ten years. 

Ash loved Eiji more than anything. And that’s why he did what he did. That’s why he never said goodbye. That’s why he never got to feel his arms around him again. 

Ash was empty. But it was okay if it meant Eiji could be whole again. 

He looked like he was doing well, he looked like he was moving forward. He was a photographer. He lived with Sing in an apartment that looked over Tokyo, it was beautiful. Ash wished he could see what it looked like from the window inside. 

He watched Eiji’s hair grow, and he looked absolutely beautiful. He couldn’t help but wonder what those beautiful black locks would feel like between his fingers. 

_ It’s almost as long as Yut-Lung’s used to be… Before he grew it out… Because even now he’s still a jealous one.  _

Ash smiled sometimes. When he watched Eiji take pictures. When he saw him eat. When he saw the lights go out in their apartment and knew he was safe. 

He trusted Sing. He was sure of it. Because by the time he grew up, he stood even taller than Ash. He was huge. He’d teased him relentlessly for it. Saying that even the notorious Ash Lynx couldn’t stand up to him. And of course, Ash knocked him on his ass. 

“He still misses you.” Sing said on the five-year anniversary of when Ash disappeared. 

Ash sighed, slurping his ramen.  _ Tastes good.  _ “Did he tell you that?”

“No.” Sing sucked in a long breath. “He hasn’t mentioned your name for years.” And let it out. 

“Good.” 

Ash was reading with Blanca one evening when he got a text. It was from Sing. 

He hadn’t been to Japan for months. He finally decided to let himself stop obsessing and promised himself he’d only go once a year. Just to check everything was okay. 

_ You need to come now. Eiji is really sick. I didn’t want to tell you yet in case things got better. But it’s bad. It’s really ba- _

Before Ash could even finish reading the text, his phone rang. 

“Ash.” 

The tone of Sing’s voice sent shivers down Ash’s spine. 

“What happened?” He said. 

“I tried to stop it…” 

_ He’s crying.  _

“I thought he’d only do it a few times. I thought he was just doing it for fun. But he’s…”

“Tell me!” Ash roared, already eying Blanca, telling him to get ready. 

Sing paused for a moment and took a few deep breaths. “He needs you.” 

  
  
  
  
  



	2. Can you look at me cuz I am blue and grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His pupils ruined his beautiful brown eyes.

Ash was on the first plane to Tokyo.

Before he left, Blanca stopped him in the doorway. The cool sea air hit Ash in the face, and when before it had been a feeling he enjoyed, it made him feel sick when he turned to face him. “What?!”

Blanca’s eyes were laced with concern. “Will you see him?” Then he paused. “Don’t lie to me, Aslan.”

Ash looked him dead in the eyes. “Yes.”

With that Blanca moved aside, and he was gone.

The taxi seemed to take forever. 

The airport was too crowded.

He felt too sick to eat.

The flight took an eternity.

Another airport.

More people he didn’t want to interact with.

A face mask that seemed suffocating in a crowded place.

One more flight.

His mind ran away with him on the plane. He was never too keen on flying. Or anything he couldn’t get out of if he needed to.

Then he was back. Back where he’d been obsessively watching from a distance for so many years. Back where he promised he would never go again unless he absolutely needed to.

Ash got himself ready. He hadn’t seen him for so long. His heart was thundering in his chest and he was seriously considering running back and letting Blanca deal with it because he couldn’t…. he couldn’t face him.

“Promise me.” Max had said on the phone when he landed. 

Ash said nothing.

“Ash.” He warned. “Promise me you’ll see him.”

A tear escaped Ash’s eyes. “I can’t.”

“Ash…” But before he could say anymore, Ash hung up the phone. 

He shouldn’t have taken as long as he did to get to his vantage point. He shouldn’t have sat there and considered smoking a cigarette for the first time in his life. He shouldn’t have cried and grabbed at his hair and screamed before he picked up his binoculars. Just as he was about to look inside Eiji’s bedroom window, or was he? His phone rang again. 

He sucked in a breath and pulled his mask back up over his nose. 

_ Please be okay. _

“Are you here?” Sing said into the receiver.

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“I don’t see you.”

Ash hesitated before responding. “That’s the point.”

There was silence on the other end of the line.

“Fuck you.” Sing roared. Then he hung up.

When Ash looked into Eiji’s room, he cried.

* * *

“Who were you talking to?” Eiji didn’t look away from the mirror. He tilted his head up, ensuring there was no powder visible under his nose. 

Then he started doing what he always did. What had become a habit quickly. They say it only takes fourteen days, after all. But it had been a lot longer than that and Eiji was looking at himself in the mirror and poking at his rib cage, his hipbones, his collarbones. 

They stood out so much more than they used to.

“No one.” He heard Sing sigh. He didn’t care to ask. He pulled down the skin under his eyelids. “So dark.” He smiled. “Perfect.”

He twirled in his bedroom, his black see through shirt flying up over his chest. 

He only ever wore black after that day. 

Then his eyes went to the CD tray on his bedside table and he smiled. There was still a line left from earlier. 

Just as he was leaning forward to take it, he saw what looked like a glimmer of light shine through his window, and he smiled. He hated the light.

He was so small. 

A beautiful man who was wasting away to nothing. 

Bones so prominent he looked like he would break at any moment.

Bags deep purple under brown eyes.

Red, chapped lips. 

Sore bitten nails.

Long, thin silk black hair that fell down his back and over his face.

Eyes always blown so wide.

Eiji wasn’t sure when it started. The days had been blending together for a while. He thought it would be okay; he thought he would be okay. He went so long without even so much as uttering his name. But one night all it took was one lucid dream to take that all away from him. Rip away the progress he’d spent years building up. Wore him down until there was nothing left. Or maybe it was coming all along, he wasn’t sure, and he didn’t care to know.

All he knew was that he’d been up for three days and oh, how happy he was because he still had enough crystallised powder for another night. 

Another night of forgetting and dying. 

The dream… when he was buzzing he could think about it without wanting to slit his wrists. He dreamt he got to kiss Ash again. Got to hold him. Got to spend a happy future with him and died at his side. He hadn’t dreamt for years until that night. He could feel Ash’s hands on his flesh, could feel his lips against his neck. He could feel his warmth. Telling him he was alive. 

When he woke up, he screamed and cried and ran to the bathroom. He cut his wrists open before he even knew what he was doing. But the pain stopped. And the blood was pretty. 

It became a pastime. 

He slipped on an oversized black button-down shirt and some yoga pants that night. He wasn’t sure how long he walked for. But he knew something warm was trickling down his hand onto the pavement. It felt nice.

That was the day he broke again. But this time there was no saving him.

He met someone that night. A nice man who told him he could make it all go away and gave him a pill via mouth. Eiji swallowed it, slapped him, leaving a bloody handprint on his face. He never wanted anyone to do that to him ever again. “Fuck you!” He spat. “How fucking dare you!” 

But he still bought the discoloured powdered crystals from him, anyway.

Eiji stopped eating after that.

Stopped sleeping.

Stopped feeling.

He died that night.

And no one could bring him back to life.

When he got home, Sing panicked. “There’s blood all over the floor. What did you do!?”

But Eiji just smiled and held out his wrists. “Can you help me?” He breathed.

Sing cried. 

His wrists needed stitching.

His pupils ruined his beautiful brown eyes.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oop. I wasn't planning on updating so soon but......... here you go! 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Your comments make my day and encourage me to keep doing what I love! I hope you like this horrible little project of mine. Thanks again Jade!


	3. I am singing by myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My hands that I reached out countless times. 
> 
> Like a silver dagger to the heart.

Ash watched Eiji for three days. He didn’t sleep once. He laughed with Sing. But Ash could tell it wasn’t real, and Sing didn’t laugh. Not once. He looked broken and tired. Ash had never felt such guilt searing through him before. 

He’d never felt so terrible in his entire life. It felt like when he was a child and someone raped him he was supposed to trust. When it happened again and again when he was still a kid. When Dino ripped him from the streets and turned him into Ash Lynx. A name he could never escape. When his brother died. When he shot his best friend through the heart. When he starved himself until he could barely stand and got treated like a human toilet by monsters of many ages and backgrounds. When he watched the man who raised him die despite how much he hated him. When Lao put a knife through his guts. Even watching Eiji get shot before his eyes. It hurt like all of those horrid things combined into one. 

Watching the person he loved more than anything slowly die before him. Because it was Eiji and he mattered more than he did and he could forget all of that, almost, when he was with him. Almost felt human. Almost felt like he wasn’t some wicked monster that was a killer and a whore and nothing more. And the person who saved his life so many times was dying. Because of him. 

Watching the person he loved more than anything slowly die before him. Because it was Eiji and he mattered more than he did and he could forget all of that, almost, when he was with him. Almost felt human. Almost felt like he wasn’t some wicked monster that was a killer and a whore and nothing more. And the person he saved his life so many times was dying. Because of him. 

  
  


“I’m sure this is the worst thing I’ve ever done.” He told Blanca over the phone on the first night of watching him. 

“Is it?” Blanca replied. “Perhaps you should see him.”

“I…”

“Before he kills himself.” 

Then the line went dead. 

Ash watched. He watched Eiji smoking blunts and doing lines of something even he didn’t recognise. He saw him. His slender frame. No. It wasn’t slender. He was emaciated. 

_ How long did I let this go on for… What have I done? _

Ash was sure he hadn’t cried as much as he did over those three days since he woke up in the hospital without Eiji for the first time. He knew, he knew what he had to do. But he was terrified. Terrified of his reaction. 

He watched with tears streaming down his cheeks when Eiji ran out of whatever powder he was sniffing. When he hadn’t seen him eat or drink anything apart from alcohol. Mixing. Things that were dangerous. So, so so dangerous and he watched and watched thinking maybe he would magically stop but he didn’t. He saw him take what looked like diazepam, light up a cigarette, and sit on his bed. 

Pupils blown wide. 

Chewing gum frantically while he smoked. 

Ripping the skin around his nails with his teeth until he winced with pain. Fingers bleeding.

Scarred wrists on display. 

Sunken in eyes. 

Hollow cheeks. 

He saw him when he held his head in his hands and wept after trying for hours to fall asleep. 

Smoking and drinking. 

Then another pill. 

Another. 

And Ash snapped. 

He couldn’t do it anymore. 

He had to go. And he had to go now. 

He could hardly see through his tears. He straightened his clothes, wiped his eyes, and made his way to Eiji’s front door. He felt like he was going to pass out at any moment. He wanted to see him so desperately. To hold him and tell him he was there and that everything would be okay and he’d make it go away because he had to because it was Eiji and he loved him more than anything in the world.

He realised when he knocked on the door he’d made the biggest mistake of his life by ever leaving him. 

* * *

Eiji got upset when he couldn’t sleep. It was something that had started a few years prior. He’d lay awake at night and get more and more anxious the longer he was awake. The longer his mind would run and run. 

He never mentioned Ash’s name. But that didn’t mean he didn’t think of him every day. 

He’d get up. And then get back in bed. And again and again and again until he finally passed out or decided to do something stupid to make his mind stop. What that was, depended on the day. 

“Three days…” He said to himself. Sing had gone home to sleep. He said he’d be back soon. He never left for too long. But… it started getting worse. Eiji didn’t understand why Sing would shout at him and beg him to stop. He was fine. He was long dead. 

He sat up on the edge of his bed, held his head in his hands when a song played over his speakers. He often listened to music to calm his mind. 

_ Where’s my angel  _

_ At the end of the day, casting its shadow _

_ Someone come and save me, please _

_ Is the only sigh of the exhausting day  _

He hadn’t heard the song before. He often let his music shuffle. He used to love music. Then again, he used to love a lot of things. But after… After everything, it was just background noise. For the first time in a long time, he listened to the lyrics. Suddenly, he felt he couldn’t catch his breath. 

His mind swam, and he didn’t know what was going on because he was sure he’d taken enough but he still couldn’t sleep and his stomach was hurting and he wanted to be sick but he couldn’t because all he’d bring up would be acid and it burned. 

_ It seems like people are all happy _

_ Can you look at me cause I am blue and grey  _

_ The meaning of my tears that are reflected on the mirror _

_ Is the colour hidden under my smile _

_ Blue and grey  _

He tried and tried to catch a breath that seemed so far away. He never could sleep until he got that satisfying breath that filled his lungs. He didn’t know why he had to do it, though, because it reminded him he was still alive, and he hated that. 

He frantically got up and flung the window open, trying to calm himself. 

Anxiety was a reminder. 

A reminder he still felt. 

It hurt. 

_ I just wanna be happier  _

_ Please warm me who is cold _

_ My hands that I reached out countless times _

_ The echo that is colourless  _

_ Oh, this ground feels so heavier  _

_ I am singing by myself _

_ I just wanna be happier  _

_ Would this also be greed  _

Then there was a knock on the door. And it brought him back to reality. He wondered why Sing wasn’t using his key. Then again, he’d told him a thousand times to knock or fuck off. He closed his eyes for a moment, finally able to catch the lost breath. Sing, although he could be difficult, although he forced Eiji to do things he didn’t want to do, like brush his teeth and shower and eat. He was a constant in his life and had been for a very long time. But when he was at his lowest, he couldn’t appreciate that because nothing mattered and he didn’t care about anything apart from making it go away. Apart from making the thoughts of him go away. 

But at that moment he felt relief. He opened his eyes when he unlocked the door and opened it quickly. “Sing!” He panted. But when his eyes adjusted, when he saw him. Every emotion. Everything came flooding back. 

Like a dagger straight to the heart. 

No. 

It was more like someone had ripped his heart from his chest with their bare hands and presented it to him on a golden platter with jades all around the edges. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Your comments and kudos make my day and encourage me to keep doing what I love!


	4. A Wake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We just wanted you to have a normal...

Eiji slammed the door behind him and sprinted to his bedroom. “I’m dreaming again… Lucid dreaming. Or maybe it’s a nightmare? I’ll wake up soon. I always do. I just have to remember it’s just a dream. He’s gone. He’s gone. He’s gone.” He sunk to his knees and tried to catch his breath. But he couldn’t. So he jumped up, grabbed some clothes, one of the many bags of white powder he had hidden, and another bag of weed before he ran out of the fire exit and out into the street. 

He walked as quickly as he could, weaving through the crowds of people. “I’ve just been up for too long.” He mumbled to himself. “I always lucid dream when I’ve been up for so long. Or is this a nightmare? I don’t know, I just need to… I just need to…” 

Memories hit him like a shotgun from point-blank range. How many years had it been again? So, so many. So much pain. It hurt more than anything. It hurt more than when he was shot. It hurt more than the worst things that had ever happened to him. It hurt more than Shorter’s body on top of him. It ripped him open and tore him apart, inside and out. For a while, he’d tried to distract. He was photographing and being photographed himself. He worked and worked. The recovery. Things finally got better. He had a best friend in Sing; he was so, so good to him and he never lied to him, never sugar-coated the truth, did nothing to hurt him. He was always there. And he wanted nothing in return. Just like Eiji had done for him what seemed like lifetimes ago. 

The pain again. The sting of a tattoo gun when he’d gotten drunk for the first time in years and finally uttered the word ‘Aslan’ for the last time to a random guy who he didn’t know when he asked for a lynx tattoo. He never knew why he did that. He hated looking at it. Despite how beautiful it was. He hated it more than anything, and he wore long sleeves to cover it unless he was high and didn’t care about anything. When he’d come home that night with it wrapped and he cried to Sing because he didn’t know why he did it because he wanted to forget. Well, he thought he did. But maybe he did it because he wanted to remember him. Maybe he wanted to keep a piece of Ash with him forever. Because he was healing and it was in his memory. But he hated it. It was the worst decision he’d made in a long time. So he’d gotten more tattoos, little things here and there. Things that made him forget. The burning sensation on his flesh when the needle sunk just beneath it was relaxing. Then the feeling of a piercing gun when Sing joked with him about how nice he’d look with his ears pierced and he’d said yes. Sing didn’t expect that. They both got more piercings shortly after. Eiji thought sing looked nice with an eyebrow piercing. 

It had been a long journey, and he thought he was going to be fine until he wasn’t and he was wasting away and having nightmares and then for the first time since he’d had a breakdown, he’d seen him again in a bad dream and he couldn’t wake up. So he did something he hadn’t done in forever, since the first time he’d found out about it and had one too many drinks and tried weed for the first time. He thought it would clear his mind and be fun until he woke up. Woke up in bed with everything the same as it’d always been. Yut-Lung's club he ran with Sing. It was a strip club and bar, but in reality, it was a hub for the yakuza. His eyes darted around the streets, but he saw no blonde hair and he let out a sigh of relief. Thanking his sleeping brain for letting him go. 

He went inside, and couldn’t believe how hot he felt. He used to love lucid dreaming when he was young, being able to do whatever he wanted and be in whatever situation he liked, but sometimes people would show up that he didn’t want to be there. And that night was just another one, wasn’t it? He went to the back and Yut-Lung and Sing looked at him in shock when he approached and said hello. He’d gone to the bathroom first, of course. Taking a bump from his key, and then another, and then another, because he was dreaming and it wouldn’t hurt him. 

His mind buzzed when he greeted them. 

“Eiji?” Sing had a look of sheer panic on his face, but Eiji didn’t care to ask why. Yut-Lung was expressionless, although he looked as though he was expecting something. “What are you doing here?” Sing was on him in seconds. “You should be-”

“I came to dance.” Eiji wiped his nose. “Is that okay?” He turned around in his light cotton pants, revealing he was wearing tight black underwear and fishnets over top. 

Yut-Lung's face remained the same. “Sure.” 

“Yut!” Sing shouted. 

“Shut up. Let him.” He said, slipping his hands into his pockets. 

And that was all Eiji needed to hear. 

* * *

* * *

Dancing made him feel better. And soon the bar was crowded because the pretty boy who’d owned the stage one night so many years prior was back and he was smiling and the pole was like it belonged to him. His mind cleared as he buzzed and eyed the room. _Finally. I’ll wake up soon._ Cigarette in hand, he twirled and twirled. 

Then he was there again. Standing at the entrance with tears streaming down his cheeks. And Eiji got offstage and went to the bathroom quicker than he ever had before. He climbed up on the back of the toilet and opened the top window when he rolled a joint. He sat on the toilet seat and smoked, blowing the smoke in the window's direction so he wouldn’t set any of the smoke alarms that he was pretty sure were turned off anyway, and he didn’t know why he cared because he was dreaming and Ash was there and Eiji wanted to die. 

Before he’d even finished smoking, someone pushed open the door to the stall. “Eiji.” Max looked panicked, too. He wondered what was going on with everyone in this dream, including himself. 

“It’s weird.” Eiji said.

“Eiji…” 

“I don’t often dream of you.” He smiled. “Hello.”

“You need to go home, now.” Max sniffled. “Please.”

And Eiji hopped off from the toilet seat and pulled his clothes over his shoulders. “Okay. This dream is upsetting, anyway.”

“Eiji…” 

Max guided him home. Everything was blurry and Eiji wondered how long he’d been asleep for because he could remember himself listening to a song before he fell asleep and it seemed like it had been forever. It would be time to wake up soon, he was sure of it. 

“Eiji, you’re not dreaming.” Max said when they got to the steps of his apartment. 

“What?” Eiji sighed. “I must be because,” He turned around. “He’s there.”

“Eiji.” Ash was still crying. He didn’t know why. 

Then it hit him. 

He wasn’t dreaming. 

He was awake. So incredibly awake that it almost knocked him off his feet. 

His eyes widened. “Ash.”

And he said his name again. His name ringing in his ears that he’d wanted and ached and yearned and begged to hear for so long. 

But...

“What the fuck?” He spun around to see Sing and Yut-Lung. “What’s going on?”

A tear slipped down Yut-Lung’s cheek. He never cried. 

He was so awake. 

And he screamed. 

He grabbed at his hair and pulled it hard. 

So awake. 

“I’m so sorry.” Sing was at his side and reaching out a hand to him, but Eiji smacked it away. He didn’t look away from Ash. Not once. He expected him to disappear. But he didn’t. He was there, and he was real and oh, Eiji was so awake. 

So fucking awake. 

“Sorry for what?” He spat. Never looking away. Not once. 

He watched him. 

And Sing’s voice rang in his ears. “... for the best… so sorry… we didn’t think… and when you got sick… we just wanted you to have a normal…”

Then Eiji closed his eyes. He sucked in a sharp breath before opening them and meeting jade eyes. “Is this your idea of normal?” He said. 

“Eiji…” Ash sobbed. 

“Is this your idea of happy?!” He hissed. “LOOK AT ME!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art by an amazing artist who would rather remain anonymous. Thank you! ;_; 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading. Your comments and kudos make my day and encourage me to keep doing what I love. <3  
> I promise the happy ending is coming lmao.


	5. I feel so nice, mom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It hurts, mom.

Eiji watched. Just for a moment. His eyes widened. He took him in. All of him. He’d grown. He was taller. His hair was a little longer, loose strands pushed behind his ear. He could have sworn, could have sworn his hair was even lighter than before. Eiji wondered if he’d been spending time in the sun. He just stared. And Ash stared back, tears streaming down pink cheeks. It made Eiji feel sick, but he kept looking. His eyes trailed down, he could see his collarbones through his t-shirt. It was white. Eiji always liked him in white. His shirt was long and thin, Eiji could see goosebumps on his slender, yet muscular arms. He was bigger. How many years had it been again? He stood frozen in place, his eyes wandering to his jeans. Light wash denim and ripped, as they always had been. When he saw his red converse, chills ran down his spine, and he turned and ran up the steps to his apartment. But he had to turn one more time. Just in case. 

He looked over his shoulder, his hand on the door, and met eyes with him, tears escaping down his own cheeks. Then he was inside and he slammed the door behind him and sunk down against it. He couldn’t think, but the banging on the door behind him was soon drowned out by his own cries. Desperate, wet sobs he couldn’t hold in even if he tried. He was so confused, his mind was running faster than it ever had before, faster than even ecstasy could make it. Faster than when he’d panic and scream and cry for him to come back. He’d never felt so betrayed in his life. He was sure; he was sure he must be dreaming. He was positive it couldn’t be real.

He screamed and fisted at his hair, pulling and pulling, but nothing worked. His eyes shot to the bathroom. So wide it was hurting him. 

So he did it. 

He dragged himself to his feet and locked the door. Words echoing from behind it that he drowned out with ease. 

He moved through the apartment with ease, first to his bedroom where he grabbed a blunt he’d left in the ashtray, then to his drawers, diazepam. Easy. Down his throat, dry. He wasn’t sure how many he took. But he knew it would never be enough.

He felt relief sweep over him when he walked into the bathroom and reached into the cupboard above the sink. 

He stood and looked at himself in the mirror, memories washing over him when a person he didn’t recognise looked back at him. Someone tired. Someone sick. Someone dying.

He didn’t know them.

He remembered when he was a child. How happy he was. 

When he vaulted for the first time. “I feel so nice, mom.”

When he won his first competition. “I’m so happy.”

When he lost. “It hurts, mom.”

When he went to New York. He called his mom again. “I feel so nice, mom.”

Saw him for the first time. 

His world changed that day. 

Loss. So much loss. 

But pepped between it, hope and light. Ash. 

He remembered, he remembered he was falling in love. 

When he kissed him and pushed the pill into his mouth. 

Stole his first kiss like an asshole. 

He laughed at himself in the mirror. 

They fought and fought and laughed and cried and screamed and Eiji took a bullet for him because why wouldn’t he? 

Why wouldn’t he when he was so… 

Then he was gone. And so was Eiji. 

He didn’t remember much after that. 

It had been a long time though, hadn’t it?

A lot of pushing things down. 

A lot of dreaming. 

So many nights alone. 

With liars.

With traitors.

With people who could never have cared about him because if they did, they would have never lied to him. 

His mom always told him… Always told him you don’t lie to the people that you love. 

Then Eiji laughed while he watched himself. Eyes blown wide. They stung. He was a liar, too.

He hadn’t been living. He’d been dying. Slowly. 

For the first time, he looked down at himself and realised his stomach hurt. His throat burned. He lit the blunt, and it made it worse. 

But he liked it. 

He liked the way it stung. The cough it brought from deep within his lungs. 

He stood at the mirror until he got dizzy and his legs gave out.

He must have taken more than he’d first thought.

They were liars, all of them. And he’d never forgive them. He’d never forgive him, either. He felt so sick. So sick he could wretch, but instead he just sat on the cold floor and brought his knees to his chest. His breathing started to slow, his heart, too. He wondered if he was dying for real. At least he wouldn’t lie about it. At least when he broke their hearts it would be true. Not some sick… He didn’t even know what it was. He couldn’t even begin to comprehend why people he’d spent so many years with, people he loved so much, would do something so horrid to him. 

Sing… He’d been there through it all. Watched him dying. Watched him get worse, and better, and worse again. He knew. They all did. Yut-Lung… Someone he’d grown to trust. 

Max… 

People whose lives he’d protected. People who said they were protecting him. 

His head fell forward onto his knees, and his eyes closed for a moment. They stopped burning. But the panic soon returned. Of course it did. Because pills didn’t work. Drugs didn’t work. Nothing ever did. He’d been trying so long to forget, trying so long to stop himself from drowning. For what? He didn’t know. He laughed and laughed, and laughed. He went to take a hit, but the blunt had gone out. So he threw it into the toilet with what was his last ounce of strength. Or so he thought. 

He didn’t even realise what was in his hand. And how he smiled.

He tilted his head when the light hit the blade and smiled before he dragged it across the lynx tattoo on his arm. He watched his skin split open. Pause. As always. Then blood came pouring out. 

He collapsed by the toilet and watched blood trickle onto the floor. 

And Eiji laughed. It looked like a lion had struck the lynx. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, your comments and kudos make my day and encourage me to keep doing what I love.   
> I apologise for the late update... I may or may not be coming out of a nervous breakdown right now. But fuck you, depression, because Eiji's life is worse than mine LMAO. 
> 
> Jokes aside... I promise a happy ending.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Your comments make my day and encourage me to continue!


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